“I fell—Again.” I whispered into the dark silence of my room. My heart ached at the thoughts of what I had given into–Again. I have given into those thoughts so many times and every time I come back to him, it’s different, and yet, every time is the same.
Part of me wants to feel remorse and shame for what I have done, and yet part of me ties me to that world and pulls me away from those feelings of remorse and shame and I don’t want to turn away from those secret desires of my heart. I plunged too deep this time. Every time it gets deeper and further away. Why do we go back to those things? Why do we long for the hurt and crave the pain? Why do we cling to the things that are killing us?
He sits beside me in the darkness. He doesn’t judge me. He doesn’t question me. He doesn’t condemn me. I sit there longing to hear what He will say and yet, I’m terrified. I know I don’t have to say anything to him. I know that he knows. A tear falls silently down my face. What have I done? Why would I betray his love for me yet again? Words won’t form to say I’m sorry. I feel like I have said those words to him over and over and over again. They’ve surely lost their meaning by now. I sit in anguish, at war with myself and with him, and I don’t know what to say.
A gentle hand touches my back. His strong arms wrap around me and pull me into his warm embrace. I try to pull away, knowing I am unworthy of his love, but, he draws me closer and whispers, “I will always love you, my beloved. No matter what.”
“I don’t always love you. Why would you still love me after all that I have done? I have betrayed you so many times. I have given my heart and mind away to so many things. I keep trying to make things work and make things right and I still keep falling apart and falling away. I keep turning myself away from you and selling myself to other things. Why would you still love me?”
“Because, you are my beloved.”
“Ok. I’m your beloved. But, I can’t just come back to you and pretend like those things never happened. How can I say sorry if I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again? I’ve said sorry so many times for this secret sin and desire and keep giving into it no matter how hard I try not to. I don’t know how to say sorry this time or ask your forgiveness again. I–,”
“Don’t,” he gently reprimands. “Don’t do that to yourself again. You and I have already been through this many times before. You’ve put yourself through enough remorse and shame over this throughout the years. You’ve been hurt. You’ve been betrayed. I know why you turn to those things and give into that world. Maybe the one you are having trouble saying sorry to is yourself. Maybe you feel the one you have hurt the most in all this is yourself.”
Thoughtful silence. Moments pass. He continues to sit with me in the darkness and holds me close.
“Let me take your wounded and broken heart and make it whole. Let me take the hurts and the wounds and bring healing to your battered soul. Give your heart to me, beloved.”
“I don’t know how,” I reply quietly. “I’ve tried to give it to you before but I keep holding onto the broken pieces.”
“I know,” he replies.
“Why do I keep on giving into this?” I ask.
“Because, you are looking for something to fill the emptiness you feel inside. Think back to the moments you want to give into those things. Are you stressed? Are you interacting with someone who makes you feel inadequate or unloved? Are you dealing with a lot of insecurities or fears? Are the same things triggering it every time? You keep turning to these things to fill you when I already love you more than anything on this earth. You keep thinking that you are not enough when really you are saying I am not enough. Instead of turning to those things when you are hurting or sad or overwhelmed, turn to the one who truly loves you. Turn to me, beloved, and let me be all those things for you.”
“Oh, Lord. I come to you tonight, humbled and broken. What I thought was healed is still broken and bleeding and I am still hurting and searching for ways to fix it. I am desperately in need of a healing that only You can provide. The wounds of my heart run deep and only You can save me from my wounded self. I am haunted by my betrayals and hunted by my desires. I keep running and hiding and finding myself in the deadly grip of my sin nature yet again. I can do nothing to free myself or find freedom. Please, forgive this wayward soul yet again and bind up the exposed and raw parts of my heart that are hurting and bleeding. Take away the parts that seek to turn from you. Put together the pieces in the way that will glorify You. Forgive me, Father, and turn my heart back to you.”
theatregirl18 