It has been many months since I have written. In fact, I have barely written much of anything since I don’t know when. My mind has been a fog and my body like a main character on the Walking Dead. Life and images swim around me while I try to see my way through the fog. At times I feel lost somewhere deep in the woods. No one can find me and nothing can reach me. It’s like my life has gone so far from the path, it doesn’t even remember what sun or rain or oceans or mountains are like anymore. Do those things still exist? I don’t know. I get glimpses of memories from time to time and find myself among things that seem familiar but are still too distant to distinguish.
Fantasy mixes with reality. The lines and images that once seemed so sure blur and bleed into each other, making it hard to see the real picture. Thoughts sneak in once in a while that remind me I am human. I am breathing. I still have a life to live. But as quickly as they came, they fade away and fall into the memories of the past, or present, or is it the future? I keep thinking of this God that once was so real to me. The light of His love occasionally breaks through but I often confuse it with the sunlight streaming through the trees of my mind.
Cold and distant yet somehow my mind knows He has always been there. He never left you. He has been with you through every step of this journey. You simply have to call out to Him and let Him make Himself known to you. He formed you. He created you. He has a great a awesome plan for your life. And so you do, and the memory of Him disappears into the fog once again. And you’re left feeling lost and alone. Wandering. Searching. Wishing.
No matter how far you wander, your heart keeps telling you to keep on believing. Find that spark of hope. Let your dreams light the way. It keeps fighting to break through the fog and tells you to hold on to the golden cord of truth that keeps the core of your heart in tact. It’s the one solid thing that has remained unshakeable despite all the doubts and fears and attempts to distract you from it’s strength in your life.
But the clouds start to swirl and you wonder if Satan really has a fighting chance this time. He fills you with darkness and tries to wash out the picture of Christ in you. He taunts at your beauty and pulls you away saying, “You’re not really His.” “He’s not really here.” “He will never come to rescue you.”
Your mind plays with your heart and teaches it to give into the world and forget about Your Lord. Decisions you make aren’t really valid and God isn’t really leading you anywhere. Your soul is just forever lost in a shrouded wood. Left to wander and aimlessly try to remember the life you once had, or might have, or–what was the question again?
My mind wearies from trying so hard to find the light and find my way back to the reality I once knew. It makes it difficult to stay awake and keep searching and looking for the right path. I give into the sleep and forget to pray or let the words get jumbled in my brain so I can’t finish complete sentences before my mind drifts off…. to…. another…. thought.
I need to find my drive again. I need to keep pressing to break free of the fog I’ve trapped myself in. Everything is a trick of the mind and is only as powerful as the thoughts that feed it. Dawn can break through again if I let it. I have to keep trying. I can’t give up. I have to keep trusting. Keep going. I have to keep believing. You can do this. I have to keep dreaming. You’ve got something more powerful inside.
Your dreams are going to lead you home.